We all need to find our own unique world.
How She Was
It was accidental.
It all came about because I wanted to say something. So I said to her I’d been thinking about what she’d said.
And it was true. I’d been worrying about her for over a week – ever since the day she’d said she doesn’t fit in with anyone. That everything about her and her whole life was too dull and boring.
I told her I thought she was interesting, really interesting. As interesting as anyone I know.
And I’ll tell you now, when I say that I mean it.
I was telling her she was wrong to think she didn’t fit in, to think her life was boring. But as we talked she was going through the motions and just being polite. She didn’t believe anything I was saying. Not in her heart.
And she was totally down about everything. It was horrible. I’m not lying if I tell you she’d bring anyone she met down with her.
As we talked I was trying to find something to say that might help. I don’t know, something to cheer her up. I wanted to reassure her. It was rubbish for her to say she didn’t fit in.
And so I said she ought to tell everyone her story. I said she should tell everyone about herself.
It’s not like I even knew her story. Of course I know her, but I don’t know much about her, if you see what I mean. I definitely didn’t know if her story was interesting.
I said if she did that she’d find that her friends, her family and everyone else – they’d all find her interesting.
And I do think it was a good idea for her to do something like that, even if I made it up there and then. I hadn’t thought any of this through. I was only trying to gee her along a bit.
Anyway. I was groping in the dark but it did get a bit of a reaction from her, even if it was just a sort of little flicker in her eyes as she glanced at me.
You know how it is. Sometimes you only realise someone’s been avoiding eye contact when they eventually look at you properly. It was one of those times.
Of course, the flicker only lasted an instant. She said something about not knowing how she’d go about telling her story. She went on again about everything about her life being really really boring. Her words tailed off as she was saying she couldn’t see the point.
Because I didn’t want the idea to die there and then and because she’d shown a little bit of a spark, I waded on anyway.
It’s daft. I had no idea about what I was talking about – really, I didn’t.
I said if her life is boring then she ought to tell everyone how dull it really is, so at least they’d understand what she was going through.
I told her to pick the day from the coming week she thought be the dullest of all. The really totally boring one. And that she should write down how bad she thought it would be and why. And she should write down the ways her dull day wouldn’t be anything like anyone else’s. Why she doesn’t fit in with anyone. And that then she should put her predictions away.
Her slumped shoulders told me she was thinking it was all going to be stupidly tedious.
I said to her that then, when the actual worst dullest day comes, she should write down everything that actually happens. Everything.
Bear with me. Remember, I was making it all up on the spot.
I told her to write down all the boring stuff and the routine stuff and the predictable stuff. All of it. Include everything that she thought proves she doesn’t fit in. Everything she eats in the day. Everything. Every smile, every grimace. Every tear if she sheds any, every yawn. Everything. Even going to the toilet.
And she almost, just almost, smiled as I was rambled on about all this. And you see, I noticed that, and I thought that had to be a good sign.
Of course she was back to being glum in an instant. Going back to not looking me in the eye, she said it would be boring writing a whole day down, and it would be impossible anyway.
So I said it was up to her to make it interesting and up to her to make it possible. I said if she wants everyone to understand her life’s dull then she has to prove it. If proving it by writing it down’s going to be dull too, then it’s up to her to find a better way. Writing it down was only my suggestion.
I said to her that the point is to get everyone to understand all she’s struggling with. What she does to get that across was up to her.
I was pleased with that – I thought that was nifty thinking on my part.
And she bought that. Or at least she seemed to. She did pause for a good few seconds. Then she looked me in the eye again and asked: if she bothers with it all, what would be the point? What would actually happen for all the effort?
She was looking me in the eye with a mixture of confrontation and genuine interest. And a dash of despair too. Her eyes were brimming.
I said to her, the day after the worst dull one, the first thing she needs to do is look at the first notes she’d made, where she’d predicted how it would turn out.
Next, she should look back to see how the day she’d feared would be the worst dull one had turned out in reality. That would show her how bad her life is, without any room for anyone to doubt her. Then if she shared that, her friends and relatives and everyone else would understand and we’d then be able to help.
I tried to get the right tone for that last bit. I wanted to sound definite and positive but also caring.
And it wasn’t me making anything up. I do care.
She said she’d give it a go.
And that’s more or less it – how she was and what I did for her. It was sort of a success.
When I think about it now, I know I could have done it better. But you must believe me, I was making it all up as I talked. After she’d left, I could sleep at night because it was the best I could have done at the time. I knew that.
I believed in what I was doing back then. I do still believe in it now.
How She Is
I’m not proud to say that after I’d come up with my suggestions, nothing happened. Time went by and I didn’t hear anything from her. If I’m being honest I have to say I’d forgotten about her a bit. Unconsciously perhaps, I’d assumed she was OK.
I was busy. Life was hectic and distracting and pulling me this way and that, every day and all day. When it’s like that it’s easy to lose sight of all sorts of things, including friends and relatives. I suppose that’s a fair enough excuse but it sounds feeble.
Anyway, days became weeks. Then I got a note. I saw it was from her and I was instantly, absolutely instantly, swamped with worries and guilt. I was so, so tense – until I read her first six words –
‘Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.’
Sometimes a few words will stay with you for ever. Those words will always be with me. If she’d just said ‘thank you’ then I’d have been a bit wary – you know, talk is cheap and all that. But saying it like that, three times, that’s not false.
I’ll read out her every word:
‘Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I want you to know everything’s changed. Sorry I’ve been silent.
‘I tried to follow your instructions. I tried looked at everything in my life. I ended up learning about everything else. Noticing. Thinking. Learning.
‘Learning what’s actually worthwhile is everything. Value what you learn!
‘What’s valuable is nothing to do with money. Learn what to value. Learn what makes the world worth living in.
‘There’s sadness out there but happiness too. And caring, and helpfulness, and sympathy, and compassion. Trust underlies so much. Love’s too easy to overlook. So’s friendship and generosity. You forget all the common things but they’re common because they’re right. They’re valuable. They’re worthwhile.
‘Nothing is permanent and nature’s harsh. There’s death everywhere. But there’s growth and renewal everywhere too. Death’s everywhere but so’s life.
‘We learn from what we see and we learn from memories. Personal memories. I’ve stopped blindly sharing everything I see. I’ve stopped taking snapshots. Now I look, I take it all in with my mind. I make proper memories.
‘I’ve learnt to keep learning – learning, questioning and wondering. I’m keen to be curious. I’m enjoying doubt. Uncertainty is valuable. I’m discovering the world, discovering how we are.
‘Notice the weather every day, notice the colours all around. Notice details and notice big pictures. I’ve learnt that most of us are good people. Notice that that’s true all around you. We mustn’t let bad people dominate.
‘You told me to write everything down. Trying to do that felt overwhelming. I could have given up. I didn’t because I was starting to see what was valuable. What was important. And that’s everything.
‘Yes, you were right! But I didn’t have to write it all down. I was learning lessons. If I jotted things down they were the rules I was discovering. I learnt lessons and wrote rules for living better every day. This is what I’ve been telling you about – my lessons and rules for a happier life.
‘I worried I wasn’t fitting in. Now I don’t worry about that. Of course I fit in! There’s room for everyone. The biggest lesson? That we all have an incredible amount in common. Learn that you live your life in common with everyone else. Understand that. Then celebrate everything that we share AND everything that makes us unique. My world is unique to me, within the world we all share.’
And that’s it – that’s what she wrote.
I’ve heard nothing from her since. But I haven’t needed to and I guess she hasn’t needed to say any more either. And that’s good.
How I Am
I thought about what she’d written and it was a relief. I think she’s happy.
And I wondered if what she’d written was too simple. Whether it was all trite. And I realised there’s nothing wrong with simple. You’ll find lies get hidden in complexity.
And then I thought about her lessons and her rules.
And so that’s how I am now. I’m someone trying to enjoy life. I’m learning her lessons and rules, taking my lessons from life and making my own rules.
How You Are
So that’s her and that’s me. What about you?
No, I am not going to tell you how to enjoy life.
I do hope that you find the rules and lessons that suit you.
But hey, you know me – always happy to talk.
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